Second last day of Core

Myriads of questions set in these past two weeks and it is time I jot them down to make way for newer and fresher ones.
I had spent the first week reading up on critical thinking, which gave me a working grasp of analyzing propositions rationally.
I also spent some time reading on the art of mindfulness of breath while getting a great introduction to the 4 noble truths. The path preached dawned on me that it was an inner science that was labelled under a different name ages ago.
2 weeks back in the village gave me time to reflect on my relationship with my society. Everywhere I go I see the consequences of materialism hurting my country and its people. It probably hurts me mentally and not anyone else in it unfortunately.
Maybe the rules that were set in my village has forced us all into verisimilar paths. It is upsetting to walk around and pick up the chatter of strangers in every corner, soon only to realize that the chatter you overheard during lunch from the table sitting across from you was not very different from the one you heard while at dinner the day before, or after.
This is the plague in my society, upsetting for people who notice and not able to ignore it, accept it, or work with it.
The other day at Chye Seng Huat, (only god knows why I was there), met a lady who had grievences on the hipsteresque nature of the area, and of all the teens bopping about there. She asserts the point that all hipsters love to assert, that they hate hipsters and their kind. She recommends a more 'down-to-earth' place to me, located at a place on upper thomson road, where she mentions that the baristas are less 'prim', less 'pompous', etc and all other adjectives that hipsters themselves use to assert their own unique take and angst against the world who are clueless as to what 'keeping it real' is.
I really had no idea what she was asserting. But I lie. I think I do. But I have come to a certain point where silence is the best answer to everything.
This again, is a plague in my society, upsetting for people who notice and not able to ignore it, accept it, or go along with it.
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Location:Home

Time again

its that time again. met my friend morris yesterday. a strange tingly feeling left within. sometimes i question my work. and i try to turn it into a noble cause. still at times i forget and the emptiness prevails. what do i do on the weekends? all i do is sit at home and vegitate. hobbies that i wish to pick up are a struggle during the time off i have 2 days a week.

things i wish to pick up and learn are not being done
a strange buzzing is still around
will i ever get back?

i am strangely alone.
just like everyone else.
the more one devotes to oneself the more disjointed he becomes with those around him
seek happiness from the interior not the exterior
nothing is being provided from the outside
why is the question
to keep this wheel turning i am working
to make a coin
hemorrage
twisting of the intestines
was i about to pass on?
closest i felt to u



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Is this dream coming to an end?

2 Years on. That level of satisfaction that I thought I could derive from my job seems to be missing. I cannot seem to find it any where that I look.. When I was doing well, things seemed to be fine and dandy, when I'm not, it is the most dreadful feeling ever.

The witchunt had began from the day I started, but only recently has it seemed much more intense.

Where was the glitz and glamour that I thought was in this? Where is it now?

The mood and atmosphere is gloom, coupled with an exceedingly intense goal to achieve more than what we have used to achieve, with less people, and with less available means to make it.

Some people are able to evolve and play the game, and remain useful. Some people get stuck and cannot move on, they drop like flies. What about me where should I stand?

Give it two more years? 1 Year - i will get 20, the next, maybe 40.

Thats it. 2 More years for a combined sum of 60. That doesn't look good at all.

What about moving back to the East? That would probably increase from 20 to 60 and then to 90.

But what do I lose when I gain? I lose my aloneless. My Obtuseness. My ability to dump eastern society out of my mind.

I am not certain if I could pay that price.

I think not. I think happiness will not be there at all. With that extra 60 I am not able to be free, or feel free in the East. With that in Taiwan, maybe, in America, maybe, but not back home.

Life is to be lived free. To explore live and learn. You gave away 2 years and all u got was a shitty business card.

Is it worth it to keep pursuing a dream that seems to be less and less grand?




Is it because of the pay that disillusionment sets in? Or the lack of confidence?

What do you want really.

I think you want to get away. You want to live a life outside of the Group. You just want a peace of mind, where people outside, in fact, everyone outside, will look at you in awe and wonder how u did it without following the rules that people have written about in books and written all over society.

Thats probably what you want, a nihilistic ending where you could put up your middle finger in front of everyone yet achieving respect.

Quitting and going to Taiwan.


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Location:On plane enroute to Osaka